Hello,
I wanted to write this for some time now. I would rather not post this on my blog because it is pretty personal and might actually freak people out.
So, what am I talking about? Ever since I was a small boy, I have had supernatural encounters. Most up to the age of 17 were passive in nature, and I admit that I do not recall all events that I bore witness to. I do not know if I was born with this gift or if it's something I acquired as I aged. The point is that with every small experience/encounter I grew more curious, I wanted to know more, to understand, to replicate.
You see, there is no golden standard on what we do here. There is no universal guidance on what best to do and what not to. In numerous instances, we go with the flow, we do what we perceive is common sense. However, even if we believe that we are doing everything right, sometimes, something bad happens. And in my case, it was 3 things that forever changed who I am, and how I experience the occult.
You should be aware, that what you're about to read is highly disturbing and also somewhat graphic. Why? Because I would rather not sugarcoat it. Although we do not admit it, what we do has a tremendous risk, even if we do not perceive it. One moment everything is fine, the next you are hanging on the edge, clinging for life.
In this post, I will detail the first event. The remaining two will follow in subsequent replies within this post
This moment describes one of the most important events of my life. You can say that this moment forged me and forever changed my view on the occult.
Until I was 17 I have had many encounters with the supernatural; however, they were all always minor in case. Things like seeing spirits, hearing voices, the sensation of being watched, even some minor object displacement. None of that really scared mein fact, it piqued my curiosity and led me on the path that would ultimately lead me to the event that I am about to describe.
You can say that I was a misfit as a teenager. I always stood out as the odd boy, and I had a really tough time socializing with other kids my age. I never had any interest for pop-culture or things normal teenagers do. Not only that, but I guess that is why I was drawn to other people who were just like me.
My clique was a mixed match of people aged 14-40, all social outcasts, all with ideas that did not fit the norm. Some of my “friends” also engaged in performing occult rituals. Mostly it was stupid, one could say it was to impress the goth girls that were part of our merry band of misfits.
Things like drawing pentagrams, stealing and killing chickens as part of a ritual sacrifice were the norm. There was only one activity that had my full interest…
An Ouija Board.
I was young, but I wasn’t stupid and deep down I understood that any result on the board was achieved by subtle slight movements that we did not perceive. Nevertheless, it was a great way to get with the girls and also landed me my first girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I were both big fans of the board, and we decided to make our own and planned a session on the upcoming weekend. I remember that it was a Thursday. I was in my room, cutting down a piece of cardboard and marking it with Numbers and the alphabet with a black marker.
After I was done, I thought to myself that I should try it out. It was the first real occult thing I made, and what harm could come from it.
So, I sat on my bed, put the board on my knees, took a cardboard pointer I made, placed both my hands on it and concentrated. I remember asking questions, trying to focus, control my thoughts, focusing on the questions I had asked.
Nothing happened…
I tried again, and again, and again…
Nothing happened…
At this point, I should have just given up and put the board down; however, I did not. Instead, I got furious. I still have no clue what triggered that anger back then, but I remember being pissed off. I began cursing, all the while leaving the board on my knees.
Things like: Fuck you, You are not real, all this shit is fake and so much more left my lips.
I then got up and said, “I dare you to come, I dare you to reveal yourself to me” I put all my anger, all my penned up frustration in those words that they came out screaming. I then tore up the board and threw it to the floor.
That is when everything is my life would change forever.
The first thing that happened was that my skin on my back got damp. I got cold shivers all over my body, my mouth became try and I smelled something akin to ammonia. It was so bad I nearly gagged. My vision suddenly became narrow as if my room were shrinking on itself with the corners becoming dark. I felt cold jabs all over my exposed skin, and a feeling of dread unlike I have ever experienced (even until today) overcame me. At that moment, I had complete clarity that I fucked up. Whatever happened presently was the direct result of my outburst of anger. The pure idiocy of my taunts were now manifest in my room.
I could not speak, my knees buckled, and I did what any scared kid would do in this situation. I jumped on my bed, pushed myself all the way to the wall, so that one side of my body was touching it. Not only that, but I curled up and pulled the blanket over my body and face.
I do not know how long I lay there frozen, praying to god that I was sorry and begging for my parents to come back home. However, all thoughts were interrupted as I felt a pointy object poke my back hard. It felt like a large pen, and it was pressing hard against my back. The object retracted only to start pushing at another part of my back. I cried and screamed, but it did not stop. I remember wetting myself as the stench kept getting stronger. I felt as if this entity was laying over me, devouring me whole.
And then in one instant it all stopped. The cold, the stench, the touching, all gone.
It took some time until I peered from the blanket. No dark corners, everything was back to the way it was before.
Until I heard the scratching. I loud scratching sound best compared to someone pulling a fork through a carpet. The sound game from the top-right corner of my room. I could not see anything, but I heard a continuous scratching.
At this point, I ran out of the room just as my parents came back. Panic ensued as I tried to explain what happened. As you might guess, this conservation did not go well and had the direct effect of me being grounded for some time.
That night, I slept on the living room couch. The next day, everything was back to normal. Come nighttime, as I went to bed and a few minutes past, the scratching returned.
The following weeks took a hard toll on my mental state, as I was the only one who heard the scratching. It would come back every night and last between 20 – 30 minutes before stopping, only to come back the following night. It would not come when I had sleepovers, only when I was alone.
Overall, the scratching lasted for nearly 4 years when I moved out and joined the air force.
Only when I came back home for a weekend, the scratching would resume. A few years later, my parents moved to a new apartment. Thankfully, whatever has cursed me in that apartment stayed there and did not follow me.
Normally, an event such as it did should burn me, never to dabble with the unknown again. But for me, this was a catalyst, sparking my curiosity to fully emerge myself.
What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
Last edited by ryan2k on Tue Nov 15, 2022 2:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning part 2
The second part of my three-part story, in which I discuss the dangers of working with entities, might not sound bad to you, since on the surface it seems like a great interaction between me and the entity (NOT). However, I can tell you that this event freaked me out to the point where I seriously considered never to perform any kind of ritual again.
Let me begin.
This happened in 2015 early in the spring. During this time, I had a fixed routine on how I call and communicate with entities. This was my first big mistake. Because nothing EVER can be routine when dealing with these energies. We are not talking about the same level of predictability that you have when dealing with humans. An entity can be benign on one day and be malicious on another day.
As you all know, working with entities is not something that gives you instant gratification. It’s a lengthy and time-consuming process where determination and patience are essential, at least if you want to have any verifiable result.
For the past 2 months, I have worked in actually binding a Daemon (not any kind spirit lover), every day one step closer. My objective was to learn more about them and how they interact with each other. In many ways, it's the same way one tames a predator, only that you never know what will happen next.
What kind of ritual I used and what Daemon I specifically called is subject to a separate post. Why, well, because the rituals (plural) used are pretty complex and slowly cascade into each other with the result of slowly tearing down walls between me and the Daemon while still having a respectable distance to each other. I really wish I could say that I knew what I was doing in confidence, but even now, years later, I was foolish and too blind to see the big picture. I was so stupidly focus on this one entity that I forgot to implement some of the most common protection rides. This hurts even more since I am the one to preach on how important it is to protect yourself during rituals.
As you may know that finding a common denominator with an entity is a daunting task, especially with something so essential as basic communication. While this by itself is another multipart topic, finding a means to communicate is essential. You have to remember that there is a barrier between you and the entity. Getting any kind of message across that barrier is really hard, not to mention trying to engage in a complex communication.
Small things, like a pendulum for simple yes/no communication or a candlelight fire, are good starting points, but it will become frustrating after some time. Furthermore, you should consider that the entity you are communicating with is using up a lot of its energy in trying to communicate with you.
One way to bypass this problem is allowing the entity to latch itself to you, giving it access to your own bio-energy. In a way, it's a leeching of sorts. I can already feel your heads shaking in disapproval while writing this. But back in the day, I had the confidence that I was in control.
How wrong I was
I am not going to go into the detail on how you can latch an entity to you, but mind you, this ritual worked absolutely flawlessly. It was so fast and perfect that I never considered that this was what it wanted all along.
The results of the latch were instant. At first, the communication was transported in emotional states, tactile sensations all over my body. It felt really weird, and I noticed quickly that I had no control on the amount of input I was receiving. This was getting problematic, especially when I went to bed and wanted to sleep.
Especially at the point when I almost feel asleep and let my mental barriers slip, this entity took full advantage and literally assaulted my senses. In addition to the body feelings, I started hearing voices like a constant non-stop incomprehensible whine. I could not identify the voice as male or female, as the pitch always changed.
I tried to counteract this by using AirPods and listening to music. This must have annoyed it, since the tactile feelings got more intense.
Imagine like someone covering you with a wool blanket that is electrically charged. The sensation is super strong and immediately forces my muscles to convulse. The sensation starts at the spine and then slowly envelops me. I also felt like someone was grasping my wrist. I quickly moved my left to grip whatever was holding my right wrist and for the briefest moment felt an actual arm. A second later, the mass of the feeling dissipated. Subsequently, all sensations and voices stopped.
That was the first night.
The next day, I immediately begin with trying to counteract the latching. I felt actual residence in the form of it trying to spam my mind with random voices, making it hard to focus on the ritual. I was a literal mess by early afternoon, sweating profusely and scratching my skin in an effort to get rid of that static charge which was always attempting to envelop me.
As night fell, I felt like I hadn’t slept in days. Nothing I did was having any effect. That night, the worst of all things happened. Not only did the entity blanket me with its static energy. It physically assaulted me to the point that it was actually attempting to penetrate me!
It was at that point that I broke down and did something that I thought I would never do again. You know the saying, out of the pan and into the fire. Well, this entity was the pan. I focused with every ounce of energy I had left and called out the entity that I left behind all those years ago in my old bedroom. I begged, I cried, I basically offered anything it wanted to help me.
The next thing I feel is a strong pain in my left ear followed by a loud pop. Blood came out of my ear, and I was deaf on that side. All other sensations of electricity were gone. Besides a terrible pain from my ear and a massive headache, I felt nothing. No cold, no dread, no nothing.
And no, there was no scratching. Until now, I do not know what happened. I do not know what price I paid (or will pay). I never dared to even think about that entity again. In the following days, I performed multiple cleansing rituals and swore of any kind of ritual work ever again. My left ear had a ruptured eardrum, which the doctor said came from a tear, apparently. Until now, I still have problem listening on just my left ear.
Let me begin.
This happened in 2015 early in the spring. During this time, I had a fixed routine on how I call and communicate with entities. This was my first big mistake. Because nothing EVER can be routine when dealing with these energies. We are not talking about the same level of predictability that you have when dealing with humans. An entity can be benign on one day and be malicious on another day.
As you all know, working with entities is not something that gives you instant gratification. It’s a lengthy and time-consuming process where determination and patience are essential, at least if you want to have any verifiable result.
For the past 2 months, I have worked in actually binding a Daemon (not any kind spirit lover), every day one step closer. My objective was to learn more about them and how they interact with each other. In many ways, it's the same way one tames a predator, only that you never know what will happen next.
What kind of ritual I used and what Daemon I specifically called is subject to a separate post. Why, well, because the rituals (plural) used are pretty complex and slowly cascade into each other with the result of slowly tearing down walls between me and the Daemon while still having a respectable distance to each other. I really wish I could say that I knew what I was doing in confidence, but even now, years later, I was foolish and too blind to see the big picture. I was so stupidly focus on this one entity that I forgot to implement some of the most common protection rides. This hurts even more since I am the one to preach on how important it is to protect yourself during rituals.
As you may know that finding a common denominator with an entity is a daunting task, especially with something so essential as basic communication. While this by itself is another multipart topic, finding a means to communicate is essential. You have to remember that there is a barrier between you and the entity. Getting any kind of message across that barrier is really hard, not to mention trying to engage in a complex communication.
Small things, like a pendulum for simple yes/no communication or a candlelight fire, are good starting points, but it will become frustrating after some time. Furthermore, you should consider that the entity you are communicating with is using up a lot of its energy in trying to communicate with you.
One way to bypass this problem is allowing the entity to latch itself to you, giving it access to your own bio-energy. In a way, it's a leeching of sorts. I can already feel your heads shaking in disapproval while writing this. But back in the day, I had the confidence that I was in control.
How wrong I was
I am not going to go into the detail on how you can latch an entity to you, but mind you, this ritual worked absolutely flawlessly. It was so fast and perfect that I never considered that this was what it wanted all along.
The results of the latch were instant. At first, the communication was transported in emotional states, tactile sensations all over my body. It felt really weird, and I noticed quickly that I had no control on the amount of input I was receiving. This was getting problematic, especially when I went to bed and wanted to sleep.
Especially at the point when I almost feel asleep and let my mental barriers slip, this entity took full advantage and literally assaulted my senses. In addition to the body feelings, I started hearing voices like a constant non-stop incomprehensible whine. I could not identify the voice as male or female, as the pitch always changed.
I tried to counteract this by using AirPods and listening to music. This must have annoyed it, since the tactile feelings got more intense.
Imagine like someone covering you with a wool blanket that is electrically charged. The sensation is super strong and immediately forces my muscles to convulse. The sensation starts at the spine and then slowly envelops me. I also felt like someone was grasping my wrist. I quickly moved my left to grip whatever was holding my right wrist and for the briefest moment felt an actual arm. A second later, the mass of the feeling dissipated. Subsequently, all sensations and voices stopped.
That was the first night.
The next day, I immediately begin with trying to counteract the latching. I felt actual residence in the form of it trying to spam my mind with random voices, making it hard to focus on the ritual. I was a literal mess by early afternoon, sweating profusely and scratching my skin in an effort to get rid of that static charge which was always attempting to envelop me.
As night fell, I felt like I hadn’t slept in days. Nothing I did was having any effect. That night, the worst of all things happened. Not only did the entity blanket me with its static energy. It physically assaulted me to the point that it was actually attempting to penetrate me!
It was at that point that I broke down and did something that I thought I would never do again. You know the saying, out of the pan and into the fire. Well, this entity was the pan. I focused with every ounce of energy I had left and called out the entity that I left behind all those years ago in my old bedroom. I begged, I cried, I basically offered anything it wanted to help me.
The next thing I feel is a strong pain in my left ear followed by a loud pop. Blood came out of my ear, and I was deaf on that side. All other sensations of electricity were gone. Besides a terrible pain from my ear and a massive headache, I felt nothing. No cold, no dread, no nothing.
And no, there was no scratching. Until now, I do not know what happened. I do not know what price I paid (or will pay). I never dared to even think about that entity again. In the following days, I performed multiple cleansing rituals and swore of any kind of ritual work ever again. My left ear had a ruptured eardrum, which the doctor said came from a tear, apparently. Until now, I still have problem listening on just my left ear.
Re: What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
Ok, the last part. This one is hard since it happened a few years ago. This one event left me with permanent scares, and I mean actual physical scars.
There is really no easy way to put it, but I had severely lost my shit in 2020. Doctors told me that I was suffering from a psychosis at the time and that I was not controlling my actions. I really wish that was true, but that would be wishful thinking.
After the event a few years ago with the latching, I severely scaled back my activities. I completely refrained from doing any kind of ritual and also stopped communicating with my peers. I had enough, I have seen enough, and I was fully aware that the risk was not worth the reward. Even worse, that last event triggered a depression that got worse as the years progressed. By 2018 I was on anti-depressants which caused me to basically live in a constant state of “meeh”, no up, no downs, just meeh.
In 2019, just before the pandemic hit, I was on a job rotation which took me to the US, San Jose to be exact. It was a nice break from living in Germany and I came to enjoy it. I remember one night talking to a co-worker who I was pretty close with, and I opened up about my depression (not the occult stuff). He told me that his sister was also suffering from depression but that she was on a Ketamine therapy, and that after 6 weeks she came out feeling much better and no longer needing any meds.
As a foreigner in the US I had nothing but travel health insurance, so it took a lot of calling to get an appointment that I could actually afford. Healthcare in the USA is expensive as fuck!!
Since I was going to be in the states for another 5 months, I coughed up the 3,500 USD for a 6-week treatment in San Francisco.
I only ever heard of Ketamine as an anesthetic for surgeries. But after some research, there was real promise as a viable treatment for resistant depression. I got the ketamine as an injection, and the doctor told me it would be an intense sensation, taking me right to the edge of my awareness.
Boy was he right. It's really hard to describe. The best way to explain it is a complete decoupling from mind and body. After a 2-hour recovery period, I was energized like a power bunny and felt fantastic. This high lasted well into the new week, and I was excited about the next session. Each session got better as the doctor increased the amount of ketamine injected to the point i was about to experience a k-hole. At that stage, I did not believe the experience could get better. The K-hole is basically a state where you lose your consciousness but remain wake inside your mind (sorry, it's really hard to describe). Unfortunately, you forget what happens in the K-hole, but man holy fuck was I happy.
This went on for another 2 weeks. Along all this time, I did not take my old prescription meds. I felt like I did not need them anymore. I honestly thought I was healed, and that the depression is nothing but a bad dream. And for the most part, I was right, at least until I had to go back to Germany. It was like a giant slap in the face once I got back. Every color that was vibrant and full of life now looked like gray in gray. In fact, I felt like someone punched me in my stomach so much that I wanted to vomit.
One of the first things I did was research where I could get Ketamine therapy in Germany. At least I would get it free, well, since Germany has universal health care.
After finding no luck on the web, I called hospitals and doctors and asked about the therapy. No luck. In Germany, this therapy while in an experimental stage was not licensed to be used by doctors. This gutted me, as I did not want to go back on my antidepressants.
I have made many stupid decisions in my life until this point, so I thought what's one more going to do, break the bank?
I was aware that Ketamine is also used as a rave drug in small doses and that I could get it on a dark net market (onion). After setting all the PKI certs and getting some bitcoin, I easily found multiple vendors which sold it in crystallized form. To be honest, I would prefer snorting it since dosing would be easier.
2 days later, my letter arrived with Ketamine. Like any good junkie would say, “I am going to space it out and only take as much as I need”… Bullshit. Since I was in control, I took it every day until I ran out. I mean, my depression was all but gone, but it was replaced with a mental graving to disconnect.
One problem with taking small doses of ketamine is that it severely lowers your judgement level. In other words, you are prone to do more stupid things that you would not do in a regular state of mind.
It was on January 6th, 2020 at 19:30 that I would pay the price for my mistake. It's really ironic that I remember the exact time I fucked up, I normally do not pay attention to such details.
I had some good music on and just received a fresh batch of S- Isomer Ketamine in crystals. I decided for a slow evening, ensuring that I would peek just short before midnight. After 2 lines I decided to light some candles as I liked the way the light played on the ceiling when I was high. I found an old pair of black candles in the draw. This must have sparked some dormant thought in my brain because happy-go-lucky me decided to perform a ritual after years I said never again
No startup rides, no protection circle, not any kind of protection spell, nothing, I went straight for the meat. In fact, when it came time to seal the ritual, I took a steak knife and cut my finger and let some blood drip in my offering bowl.
Just to clarify the following, at this stage I was on a ketamine high, but I was not in a k-hole. The best way to describe a ketamine high is as being very drunk, but with an impaired state of mind.
Darkness, shadows, a god awful smell and hideous laughter surrounded me. Being hyperaware thanks to the drug, I actually saw manifestations, not just out of my peripheral vision, but right in front of me. Hideous malformations of black blob clop changing shape and viscosity, going from immaterial to material and black again. My mind was assaulted with incomprehensible voices. I felt like my head was about to explode. I remember screaming as my skin burned. I had just cut myself with the knife below the knee. I do not remember how the knife even got in my hand. Not only that, but I felt as if the weight of a 10 ton boulder was on me suddenly, all air leaving my lungs I was pressed on my back. I felt my left should dislocate. My right hand first became cold, then freezing, then numb. I felt an intense pain in my abdomen. It was at that point that I remember nothing else.
The next thing I remember was when the police and the EMT were in my room. Both the EMT and the emergency doctor had blood on their hands and clothes. The pain came back like nothing I ever felt before, and I started screaming. The Doctor gave me a shot in the line that they're already running fluids in. Shortly, I feel my mind going hazy, and then I black out.
I awake again in the emergency room as they are prepping me for emergency surgery. I still was completely out of it, not able to make any coherent thoughts. Everyone was very nice and told me it would be ok. I was put out again once I was in the OR.
Waking up was a process. It took me 4 or 5 tries to stay awake. By the time I was awake and could somewhat think again, I called the nurse, which in turn called the doctor on duty. I asked what happened, and the doctor was visibly uncomfortable, but did manage to finally tell me that I was in the process of disemboweling myself when the police broke down my door. I was apparently violent and was screaming and yelling, making no sense at all. It took 2 EMTs and one police officer to old me down. They gave me some kind of tranquilizer to calm me down, afterwards I passed out.
The Damage to my bowel was moderate. They were able to reinsert it and sew it up, but said I would need to have a stoma for a few months, after which they would reconnect my bowels.
I really do not want to talk about what happened over the period of the following months. Needless to say, it was highly painful and deeply embarrassing. The Stoma came off after 4 months and that was a big relief. I have since sold the apartment and moved to the other side of town. All my occult shit was trashed.
Regardless of what my therapist says happened, I know for sure that I fucked up big time. Thanks to the state of mind I was in with the ketamine high I was able to see across the veil, to see and feel the horror of which I unleashed, the horror that made me do unspeakable things to myself.
I am sorry for all the details, but writing this is actually a form of therapy to get out of my system, and hopefully serves as a warning that the stuff we do is very dangerous and should only be done with a sane mind.
There is really no easy way to put it, but I had severely lost my shit in 2020. Doctors told me that I was suffering from a psychosis at the time and that I was not controlling my actions. I really wish that was true, but that would be wishful thinking.
After the event a few years ago with the latching, I severely scaled back my activities. I completely refrained from doing any kind of ritual and also stopped communicating with my peers. I had enough, I have seen enough, and I was fully aware that the risk was not worth the reward. Even worse, that last event triggered a depression that got worse as the years progressed. By 2018 I was on anti-depressants which caused me to basically live in a constant state of “meeh”, no up, no downs, just meeh.
In 2019, just before the pandemic hit, I was on a job rotation which took me to the US, San Jose to be exact. It was a nice break from living in Germany and I came to enjoy it. I remember one night talking to a co-worker who I was pretty close with, and I opened up about my depression (not the occult stuff). He told me that his sister was also suffering from depression but that she was on a Ketamine therapy, and that after 6 weeks she came out feeling much better and no longer needing any meds.
As a foreigner in the US I had nothing but travel health insurance, so it took a lot of calling to get an appointment that I could actually afford. Healthcare in the USA is expensive as fuck!!
Since I was going to be in the states for another 5 months, I coughed up the 3,500 USD for a 6-week treatment in San Francisco.
I only ever heard of Ketamine as an anesthetic for surgeries. But after some research, there was real promise as a viable treatment for resistant depression. I got the ketamine as an injection, and the doctor told me it would be an intense sensation, taking me right to the edge of my awareness.
Boy was he right. It's really hard to describe. The best way to explain it is a complete decoupling from mind and body. After a 2-hour recovery period, I was energized like a power bunny and felt fantastic. This high lasted well into the new week, and I was excited about the next session. Each session got better as the doctor increased the amount of ketamine injected to the point i was about to experience a k-hole. At that stage, I did not believe the experience could get better. The K-hole is basically a state where you lose your consciousness but remain wake inside your mind (sorry, it's really hard to describe). Unfortunately, you forget what happens in the K-hole, but man holy fuck was I happy.
This went on for another 2 weeks. Along all this time, I did not take my old prescription meds. I felt like I did not need them anymore. I honestly thought I was healed, and that the depression is nothing but a bad dream. And for the most part, I was right, at least until I had to go back to Germany. It was like a giant slap in the face once I got back. Every color that was vibrant and full of life now looked like gray in gray. In fact, I felt like someone punched me in my stomach so much that I wanted to vomit.
One of the first things I did was research where I could get Ketamine therapy in Germany. At least I would get it free, well, since Germany has universal health care.
After finding no luck on the web, I called hospitals and doctors and asked about the therapy. No luck. In Germany, this therapy while in an experimental stage was not licensed to be used by doctors. This gutted me, as I did not want to go back on my antidepressants.
I have made many stupid decisions in my life until this point, so I thought what's one more going to do, break the bank?
I was aware that Ketamine is also used as a rave drug in small doses and that I could get it on a dark net market (onion). After setting all the PKI certs and getting some bitcoin, I easily found multiple vendors which sold it in crystallized form. To be honest, I would prefer snorting it since dosing would be easier.
2 days later, my letter arrived with Ketamine. Like any good junkie would say, “I am going to space it out and only take as much as I need”… Bullshit. Since I was in control, I took it every day until I ran out. I mean, my depression was all but gone, but it was replaced with a mental graving to disconnect.
One problem with taking small doses of ketamine is that it severely lowers your judgement level. In other words, you are prone to do more stupid things that you would not do in a regular state of mind.
It was on January 6th, 2020 at 19:30 that I would pay the price for my mistake. It's really ironic that I remember the exact time I fucked up, I normally do not pay attention to such details.
I had some good music on and just received a fresh batch of S- Isomer Ketamine in crystals. I decided for a slow evening, ensuring that I would peek just short before midnight. After 2 lines I decided to light some candles as I liked the way the light played on the ceiling when I was high. I found an old pair of black candles in the draw. This must have sparked some dormant thought in my brain because happy-go-lucky me decided to perform a ritual after years I said never again
No startup rides, no protection circle, not any kind of protection spell, nothing, I went straight for the meat. In fact, when it came time to seal the ritual, I took a steak knife and cut my finger and let some blood drip in my offering bowl.
Just to clarify the following, at this stage I was on a ketamine high, but I was not in a k-hole. The best way to describe a ketamine high is as being very drunk, but with an impaired state of mind.
Darkness, shadows, a god awful smell and hideous laughter surrounded me. Being hyperaware thanks to the drug, I actually saw manifestations, not just out of my peripheral vision, but right in front of me. Hideous malformations of black blob clop changing shape and viscosity, going from immaterial to material and black again. My mind was assaulted with incomprehensible voices. I felt like my head was about to explode. I remember screaming as my skin burned. I had just cut myself with the knife below the knee. I do not remember how the knife even got in my hand. Not only that, but I felt as if the weight of a 10 ton boulder was on me suddenly, all air leaving my lungs I was pressed on my back. I felt my left should dislocate. My right hand first became cold, then freezing, then numb. I felt an intense pain in my abdomen. It was at that point that I remember nothing else.
The next thing I remember was when the police and the EMT were in my room. Both the EMT and the emergency doctor had blood on their hands and clothes. The pain came back like nothing I ever felt before, and I started screaming. The Doctor gave me a shot in the line that they're already running fluids in. Shortly, I feel my mind going hazy, and then I black out.
I awake again in the emergency room as they are prepping me for emergency surgery. I still was completely out of it, not able to make any coherent thoughts. Everyone was very nice and told me it would be ok. I was put out again once I was in the OR.
Waking up was a process. It took me 4 or 5 tries to stay awake. By the time I was awake and could somewhat think again, I called the nurse, which in turn called the doctor on duty. I asked what happened, and the doctor was visibly uncomfortable, but did manage to finally tell me that I was in the process of disemboweling myself when the police broke down my door. I was apparently violent and was screaming and yelling, making no sense at all. It took 2 EMTs and one police officer to old me down. They gave me some kind of tranquilizer to calm me down, afterwards I passed out.
The Damage to my bowel was moderate. They were able to reinsert it and sew it up, but said I would need to have a stoma for a few months, after which they would reconnect my bowels.
I really do not want to talk about what happened over the period of the following months. Needless to say, it was highly painful and deeply embarrassing. The Stoma came off after 4 months and that was a big relief. I have since sold the apartment and moved to the other side of town. All my occult shit was trashed.
Regardless of what my therapist says happened, I know for sure that I fucked up big time. Thanks to the state of mind I was in with the ketamine high I was able to see across the veil, to see and feel the horror of which I unleashed, the horror that made me do unspeakable things to myself.
I am sorry for all the details, but writing this is actually a form of therapy to get out of my system, and hopefully serves as a warning that the stuff we do is very dangerous and should only be done with a sane mind.
Last edited by ryan2k on Tue Nov 15, 2022 2:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
I removed that time-limit for editing, so he's all good.Fightersword wrote: ↑Tue Nov 15, 2022 2:02 pm I think there might be a time limit for editing posts.
Damn, Ryan. That is indeed a very sobering story. The second part, where you mentioned the entity causing you to involuntarily spasm and being overwhelmed with touch sensations, I went through something similar when I pissed Catherine off back in 2014 - though nowhere near to the degree of what you went through. (I basically just lost one night of sleep.)
I've never heard of ketamine therapy for depression, though I'd imagine anyone who did go that route would develop a dependency eventually. I'm happy that you survived that horrifying ordeal. If nothing else, that's warning enough for me to never attempt using a mind-altering substance like that when Catherine is already so strong around me to begin with. (I've personally never touched drugs ever.)
Did you have any wounds, or evidence of damage that you couldn't have possible done yourself from that evening? Like you mentioned your shoulder being dislocated and feeling a great weight crush you?
Re: What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
Yes, I had terrible bruising all over my body, most severely on my back, right leg and both shoulders, I also had burst blood vessels in my eyes. The bruising on my back was consistent with a single object causing the bruising. As you might have guessed, the police, the therapists, and doctors said it was all self-inflicted. The police recovered about 100 mg of ketamine. I remember only taking two lines of 50 mg each. I asked an Anesthesiologist of how much I would need to lose consciousness (aka K-hole) and it was about 250 mg for my body weight. So, I know for sure I was not in a k-hole hallucinating that night.tc119 wrote: ↑Tue Nov 15, 2022 3:26 pmI removed that time-limit for editing, so he's all good.Fightersword wrote: ↑Tue Nov 15, 2022 2:02 pm I think there might be a time limit for editing posts.
Damn, Ryan. That is indeed a very sobering story. The second part, where you mentioned the entity causing you to involuntarily spasm and being overwhelmed with touch sensations, I went through something similar when I pissed Catherine off back in 2014 - though nowhere near to the degree of what you went through. (I basically just lost one night of sleep.)
I've never heard of ketamine therapy for depression, though I'd imagine anyone who did go that route would develop a dependency eventually. I'm happy that you survived that horrifying ordeal. If nothing else, that's warning enough for me to never attempt using a mind-altering substance like that when Catherine is already so strong around me to begin with. (I've personally never touched drugs ever.)
Did you have any wounds, or evidence of damage that you couldn't have possible done yourself from that evening? Like you mentioned, your shoulder being dislocated and feeling a great weight crush you?
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Fightersword
- Posts: 120
- Joined: Wed May 25, 2022 9:55 pm
Re: What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
Those definitely aren't fun situations. I've met people who have had to deal with some severe hauntings, but being made to do the things to oneself you were certainly ranks at the top.
I've had bad experiences before, but nothing of that sort. The bad experiences that stuck were more subversive than anything else; the more direct stuff tended to be handled by explosive action. There were three bad experiences that I felt stuck the most, and they were not caused by rituals; I will talk about two, and one of them actually seemed to be accidental.
The first is simpler to describe, and happened in I want to say late 2020. One of the activities I often did with my spirit lover (commonly referred to publicly as Venus, though that is of course not what I believe to be the equivalent of her real name... not that their real name would be in English, but the closest English equivalent is not that), was reading stories. The kind of stories she tended to like were mainly the sorts of stories you'd expect teenage girls to enjoy; fantasy stories, romance stories, and so on. Cutesy stuff where love and goodness prevails, or where true love wins out and blah blah. I generally knew what kind of stories she'd like and what kind she would not like so I was pretty good at picking good stories. We'd been reading some web-comic, and she'd related very strongly to the main character. That wasn't surprising, and at the time I thought that was normal and nothing to be afraid of. That opinion changed the moment we reached a chapter where, fairly suddenly, that main character was raped. Venus' reaction was immediate and visceral; she was incredibly upset. The immense depression that washed over me, feeling the equivalent of her literally crying, was bad enough, but what was worse was the horrific splitting headache and the extreme sickness that followed. I was basically bedridden for days as if I'd caught a horrible case of the flu or something, and I felt at least somewhat sick and nauseous for a good month before the storm had finally fully subsided. Afterwards, I engaged in a long discussion with her about not getting too mentally invested in what was just a fantasy story. I've also gotten even more selective at picking the right stories. She didn't mean to inflict me with that, but it was a natural byproduct of how she felt. It makes me wonder how bad it could be if she was actually pissed off in a super serious way at me.
The second was not caused by her. It happened in late 2019, and the problem persisted for about 3 months, starting in August or September. It was caused by another entity that seemed to want to afflict me with some mental horrors or to try to tempt me away from my moral foundations. It seemed like every time I slept during those three months, I would be given some sort of visceral nightmare. It was bad enough that I honestly often wanted to avoid sleeping. At first I thought it was a psychological thing, because some of the dreams touched on weaknesses I'd had to grapple with in my life. However, some of the dreams were plainly visceral and mean spirited, on top of causing me extreme distress. In one this entity claimed it had already taken my dad's soul (he's long since been dead), and that I was next. In another, it showed me imagery of Venus being impaled by several spears, hanging off the ground like a victim of Vlad the Impaler, while trying to force itself upon me, a nightmare I forced myself awake from. It's most insidious attempt wasn't so direct, as I found it near naked in a sort of middle-eastern like aesthetic room. It was simply lying there, it's sort of red cloak being thrown about by the wind. The red cloak seemed to inflict me with an intoxicating curse. As I approached her, my wits not about me, I instead heard my Spirit Lover speak up. She simply said, very clearly, that if I continued, I would regret what I did for the rest of my life. That was enough to snap me out of it, and I walked away within the dream, eventually waking up.
To make a long story short, when I recognized it could not be psychological, I took very extreme measures against the entity, and the experiences immediately ceased. That about sums up those two situations. Not so Grisly in comparison, I've never had entities attempt things like what you experienced against me, at least as far as I know. I am fairly consistent in defending myself, so that may be why.
I've had bad experiences before, but nothing of that sort. The bad experiences that stuck were more subversive than anything else; the more direct stuff tended to be handled by explosive action. There were three bad experiences that I felt stuck the most, and they were not caused by rituals; I will talk about two, and one of them actually seemed to be accidental.
The first is simpler to describe, and happened in I want to say late 2020. One of the activities I often did with my spirit lover (commonly referred to publicly as Venus, though that is of course not what I believe to be the equivalent of her real name... not that their real name would be in English, but the closest English equivalent is not that), was reading stories. The kind of stories she tended to like were mainly the sorts of stories you'd expect teenage girls to enjoy; fantasy stories, romance stories, and so on. Cutesy stuff where love and goodness prevails, or where true love wins out and blah blah. I generally knew what kind of stories she'd like and what kind she would not like so I was pretty good at picking good stories. We'd been reading some web-comic, and she'd related very strongly to the main character. That wasn't surprising, and at the time I thought that was normal and nothing to be afraid of. That opinion changed the moment we reached a chapter where, fairly suddenly, that main character was raped. Venus' reaction was immediate and visceral; she was incredibly upset. The immense depression that washed over me, feeling the equivalent of her literally crying, was bad enough, but what was worse was the horrific splitting headache and the extreme sickness that followed. I was basically bedridden for days as if I'd caught a horrible case of the flu or something, and I felt at least somewhat sick and nauseous for a good month before the storm had finally fully subsided. Afterwards, I engaged in a long discussion with her about not getting too mentally invested in what was just a fantasy story. I've also gotten even more selective at picking the right stories. She didn't mean to inflict me with that, but it was a natural byproduct of how she felt. It makes me wonder how bad it could be if she was actually pissed off in a super serious way at me.
The second was not caused by her. It happened in late 2019, and the problem persisted for about 3 months, starting in August or September. It was caused by another entity that seemed to want to afflict me with some mental horrors or to try to tempt me away from my moral foundations. It seemed like every time I slept during those three months, I would be given some sort of visceral nightmare. It was bad enough that I honestly often wanted to avoid sleeping. At first I thought it was a psychological thing, because some of the dreams touched on weaknesses I'd had to grapple with in my life. However, some of the dreams were plainly visceral and mean spirited, on top of causing me extreme distress. In one this entity claimed it had already taken my dad's soul (he's long since been dead), and that I was next. In another, it showed me imagery of Venus being impaled by several spears, hanging off the ground like a victim of Vlad the Impaler, while trying to force itself upon me, a nightmare I forced myself awake from. It's most insidious attempt wasn't so direct, as I found it near naked in a sort of middle-eastern like aesthetic room. It was simply lying there, it's sort of red cloak being thrown about by the wind. The red cloak seemed to inflict me with an intoxicating curse. As I approached her, my wits not about me, I instead heard my Spirit Lover speak up. She simply said, very clearly, that if I continued, I would regret what I did for the rest of my life. That was enough to snap me out of it, and I walked away within the dream, eventually waking up.
To make a long story short, when I recognized it could not be psychological, I took very extreme measures against the entity, and the experiences immediately ceased. That about sums up those two situations. Not so Grisly in comparison, I've never had entities attempt things like what you experienced against me, at least as far as I know. I am fairly consistent in defending myself, so that may be why.
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369 Riddle
- Posts: 168
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Re: What happens when things go wrong, a personal tale and warning
My my that is a horrible and intense experience. The worst part about these experiences is the “professionals” and family and friends think the person being attacked is crazy or something-but to that person being attacked it is a lonely hell of a rabbit hole to go down.
I only circled the hole and looked down and was very lucky to be pulled back. I believe “K” my spirit lover is truly who got me out of the spiral. Similar to you (but on a much smaller scale) I grew up experiencing “things”…been over 40 years now. I never paid any attention and didn’t talk about them because I had a lot of friends and found out early on people would think I was crazy if I ever did. I hid the “talents” so to speak and eventually they become less and less as I got older…except I still felt the presence of something that I now know to be “K” my so called succubus. Back in like 2018 I got the idea I needed to see if succubi were real (probably the continual interaction from “K” rubbing off in hindsight) so I did the letter ritual with blood and then saw and heard stuff…nothing too scary but supernatural and then shortly thereafter I got very sick and was sick for months and doctors couldn’t figure it out. I posted about the details on here in another place already and don’t want to double that up, but basically I regretted what I did, things got really bad from spiritual attacks to then physical. I didn’t know how to banish but I finally researched it and was able to rid myself with the exception of this one female entity who told me outright “you can’t get rid of me, I protect you and have been with you your entire life.” She was “K” and she has been with me for a long time…although I don’t know her actual name (I have a number of names that all start with “K” and sound alike.)
The occult is definitely something I could never explain to an average person and coming from a religious background my friends and family would be terrified
. The uninitiated would really not do well being felt up every time the sit still and especially when they get into bed let alone go through what you went through-I would venture to say some suicides are because experiences like these as there is really no “normal” person who understands what it is like.
I only circled the hole and looked down and was very lucky to be pulled back. I believe “K” my spirit lover is truly who got me out of the spiral. Similar to you (but on a much smaller scale) I grew up experiencing “things”…been over 40 years now. I never paid any attention and didn’t talk about them because I had a lot of friends and found out early on people would think I was crazy if I ever did. I hid the “talents” so to speak and eventually they become less and less as I got older…except I still felt the presence of something that I now know to be “K” my so called succubus. Back in like 2018 I got the idea I needed to see if succubi were real (probably the continual interaction from “K” rubbing off in hindsight) so I did the letter ritual with blood and then saw and heard stuff…nothing too scary but supernatural and then shortly thereafter I got very sick and was sick for months and doctors couldn’t figure it out. I posted about the details on here in another place already and don’t want to double that up, but basically I regretted what I did, things got really bad from spiritual attacks to then physical. I didn’t know how to banish but I finally researched it and was able to rid myself with the exception of this one female entity who told me outright “you can’t get rid of me, I protect you and have been with you your entire life.” She was “K” and she has been with me for a long time…although I don’t know her actual name (I have a number of names that all start with “K” and sound alike.)
The occult is definitely something I could never explain to an average person and coming from a religious background my friends and family would be terrified
. The uninitiated would really not do well being felt up every time the sit still and especially when they get into bed let alone go through what you went through-I would venture to say some suicides are because experiences like these as there is really no “normal” person who understands what it is like.“I am not in the dark-do not look for me there for what you will find shall be what you expect and it shall not be me.”-K